Solace
by aki.ari
Summary: How I wish I could ever be at your side, though such a thing I know is impossible. So hold this token close to your heart and remember that despite any distance, you are always in my thoughts. Yullen


_**Solace**_

Amethyst eyes regarded the pink and purple streaked sky with a thoughtful expression. It was a beautiful sky. The sun had dipped just about halfway below the horizon, rays glistening from behind the mountains in the distance, illuminating the ridge in a strikingly warm orange glow. The lingering rays of light crept out across the blue sky, darkening the orange to red and then into a royal purple that seemed to melt into the indigo expanse of atmosphere. Yes, it was a beautiful sky. Too beautiful in the face of what it had witnessed just an hour ago.

Lenalee's steps were slow and even, her gaze drifting to the cobble stone street beneath her feet. Each individual pebble neatly packed together to form a path. As she walked, she heard the comforting sound of footsteps a stride or so behind her, it was Kanda. She wasn't sure whether she should be glad for the distance, or wish he would start talking like Lavi or Allen would probably have done. The mission had been a success, but there had been severe casualties. There were always casualties in war. Many people had died before they had reached the town – slaughtered by akuma who were also searching for the innocence – and still others had died during the recovery. It wasn't her fault. It wasn't Kanda's fault. It wasn't anybody's fault. It was just another fragment of innocence. It was just another mission. It was just another town.

Kanda remained silent as he followed the somber female at a more subdued pace. They had until the morning before the train arrived, so there was no rush. He'd been sent on the mission with Lenalee a couple days ago. The deaths didn't bother him, he was used to it, and he knew she was as well. Even so, he knew that she, like Allen, felt a great deal more than they should for those pitiful strangers caught in the crossfire.

His brows creased at the thought of the snowy haired exorcist and the mission they'd gone on less than a month ago. For the most part, the younger male acted like normal, light banter and occasional sparring. But He'd noticed that Allen seemed more tense than usual when they were alone. His pale cheeks would on occasion flush rouge if Kanda got too close when they were sparring, and Kanda found that Allen had taken to apologizing for no apparent reason and then shaking it off as if nothing had happened.

Kanda was well aware of the reason. The night Allen had drunkenly and desperately come onto him was still bothering the boy. He frowned at the thought. Even though Allen hadn't seemed too perturbed by the idea of having sex with him, the boy had definitely been uneasy about having shown such a vulnerable side of himself. More so, on the train back to headquarters when he'd confided his feelings about the mission, and about why he'd been so… distressed. It might not have been the best word, but he couldn't think of anything other than that to describe why _he_ of all people would have taken up the tradition of his master and so many others he'd professed to hate – drinking and fucking on Valentine's Day.

" _It's alright to come to me when you're sad."_

Kanda frowned as his own words replayed in his head.

" _I won't turn you away."_

Allen hadn't been awake when he'd said those words, but he was sure his actions had communicated this clearly enough. Kanda thought fondly of the feel of the boy's warm weight leaning against his side and the softness of those silky white locks brushing his cheek with every bump and shift of the rattling train car. The warm memory, however, quickly faded. He'd said that he wouldn't turn him away, but-

All thoughts ceased as cobalt eyes were drawn to a glimmer of light that caught on something in the shop window to his left. Stopping mid-stride, he turned his gaze towards the object that had seemed to seek out his attention.

A few moments of walking later without the accompanying footfalls behind her, Lenalee stopped and turned to see Kanda unmoving and looking at something in a shop window with a calculating intensity. Her lips pulled into a line as she covered the distance between them.

"What is it Kanda?"

Shocking from his thoughts, Kanda shook his head, continuing towards the inn with a grunt. "Nothing," he mumbled.

Lenalee's gaze followed Kanda down the street before curiously looking in the store window to see if she could figure out what might have caught the Japanese male's attention. Sighing when she could find no such thing in the small shop, she continued on after him towards the inn.

xXx

Later that evening, after Lenalee had turned in for the night, Kanda returned to the shop.

When he pushed the door open a small bell was jostled, the light sound drawing the attention of the old shopkeeper behind the counter who had been reading the town paper. The man appeared to be in his late sixties, his skin wrinkled and freckled with age. He methodically smoothed and folded his paper two, setting it down on the glass display counter, a fluid practiced movement wrought from years of habit.

"What can I help you with tonight, son?"

"This. There's something I'd like engraved on it," Kanda said pointing to a black velvet box in the shop front window. The old man nodded with a smile as he slowly made his way around the counter towards Kanda.

"Oh, when do you need it by?"

"Tomorrow morning."

"Cutting it a bit close aren't you," the man chuckled as he unlocked the showcase door, sliding the pane of glass to the side as he pulled out the black velvet box. His warm cocoa colored eyes gazed down at the silver cross pendant that lay proudly in contrast against the dark black material.

"I'm leaving tomorrow," was all Kanda offered about the matter.

"Well I'll do you one better, if you come back in a couple hours I'll have it done for you."

The old man walked back over and behind the counter placing the box atop it. Kanda nodded his thanks as he followed the man over to the counter, watching as the aged body bent behind it coming back up with the barest hitch of his time worn bones, a slip of paper and a pencil in hand.

"So what is it you want on it, son?" the man asked, pencil in hand poised over the paper.

Kanda tugged the pencil out of the man's hand and pulled the paper he'd been about to write on closer, quickly scrawling 慰め.

"Make sure you get all the strokes right," Kanda said as he slid the paper back to the man.

Warm brown eyes ran across the characters on the paper in awe. He didn't know what it meant, but the strokes were so elegant and held an air about them that seemed artistically regal.

"What does it mean?"

"What does that matter?"

"Just curious," the old man smiled.

"It's read as nagusame, which means solace."

An understanding look settled into the man's face, the smile diming to a mere flicker in his eyes.

"I'd think that this person, would rather your company in comfort to a pretty little trinket like this," he offered wisely.

"I can't always be there," Kanda said dismissively as he turned and headed to the shop front. He paused, hand on the doorknob and glanced over his shoulder. "I'll be back in two hours."

With that Kanda was gone, the light jingling chime of the shop bell the only evidence that he had been there at all.

The old man's expression softened, as he looked down at the characters on the paper. It was beautiful, but so very sad.

xXx

Kanda watched listlessly as the scenery streaked by in blurs of greens and grays outside the cabin window. The small but lavish compartment was quiet save for the shrill shrieking of the flanged iron wheels coasting over the rails and the rattling of the cabin as it was pulled along by the one in front of it and in turn pulled the one behind it. Lenalee hadn't said a word since the brief morning greeting when they'd met to leave the inn. He felt rather put off by his own inadequacy at trivial conversation, but he was thankful for her understanding silence. Even if she had wanted to talk about the mission or some other insubstantial thing, he knew he would probably have ended up ignoring her regardless. There were other things on his mind that refused to abate.

For one, there was the pendant that sat innocently in its velvet case within his right coat pocket. It was a cause for a great deal of concern. He hadn't thought much about purchasing it but as he considered how he would give it to Allen it felt rather weighty despite how small an object it was. In a single days time it would be the fourteenth of March, exactly one month since Valentine's Day. He was well aware that Allen hadn't intended their coupling that night to mean anything; even so he couldn't see past his own stubborn desire to read the sex that night as what would be considered a _honmei_ present in his home country.

He had already resolved to let Allen discover any feelings he had for him on his own, so as to avoid any distressing future anxieties or pressures from his selfish pressuring. He could wait as long as Allen needed to seek him out for more than just desperation. Kanda fisted his hand in the fabric of his coat just over the pocket where the troubling item laid as he sank further into his thoughts. He hadn't been thinking of the White Day traditions when he'd bought it. It had just caught his eyes and his rationale for acting on the urge to purchase it was simply because he wished to do so. Now though, as he thought about how beautiful the silver would look lying against Allen's creamy flesh, the gift felt unintentionally laden with the connotation of acceptance to the "gift" _he'd_ received from Allen.

White Day, he mused dully releasing a sigh. It _was_ after all the day that the receivers of the Valentine's "chocolate" were expected to return the favor. Jewelry was a common White Day gift if he recalled correctly. White chocolate and marshmallows too were popular response gifts – for whatever stupid reason someone came up with marshmallows as an appropriate return gift he couldn't fathom. He'd never been on the receiving end or the giving end of any such presents before, but he knew the custom well enough and had circumstances been remotely normal he'd probably have given the younger male some sort of sweet in response. He felt a small smirk tug at his lips, nothing about their relationship had ever been normal – from the moment they met to what constituted as civil interaction between them.

A loud howl of the steam engine pierced the air. As he emerged from his musings he took in the increasingly familiar scenery and the train approached a town. The stop would be short and the one immediately following this one was their own. He sank back into his seat as he glanced over to where Lenalee had fallen asleep, her head resting against the padded seat and hair swishing occasionally with the jerky train movements.

Sleep was probably something he should have indulged in when he'd had the chance, he was sure he'd be accosted by Lavi about the very thing that was bothering him – albeit with less information on the specifics of his ponderings. If not as soon as he returned to headquarters, but the following day for sure. With any luck he'd be able to steal Allen away later that night and give him the present just as the thirteenth became the fourteenth so as to avoid falling under Lavi's untimely scrutiny.

xXx

Kanda pulled Allen aside, the snow haired male looking up at him inquisitively. To say Kanda was agitated at the thought of giving the younger male the present wouldn't be a stretch. He'd never done something like this for anyone, and the circumstances were a bit complex. Allen clearly didn't hate him, but he knew that there hadn't been any romantic feelings in Allen the night he came onto him. So giving a white day present was unprecedented. Not to mention he hoped the boy wasn't aware of the custom, because that would make it even more troublesome. What he felt for Allen, he couldn't say if it was something as preposterously cliche as love, but all that mattered was that he felt for him at all – something strong and pervasive, that didn't feel like the amicable tolerance he reserved for Lenalee and Lavi.

"Wait Kanda where are we-"

"Just shut up and follow me" Kanda snapped.

Sighing Allen nodded, doing as he was told. Once alone Kanda released Allen's wrist the boy stopping to stare as the navy haired male fidgeted a bit.

"Kanda?"

"I said shut up!"

Another long sigh slid from Allen's lips as he waited, his patience wearing thin with Kanda's strange antics. A deep breath later Kanda turned around thrusting a small box towards the snowy haired teen. Allen stared at the outstretched hand dumbly for a moment until a calloused hand grabbed his wrist turning the palm face up and placing the item into his hand, pale fingers instinctively closing up around the box.

"What's this?"

"Just open it baka."

Allen really had no idea what was up with Kanda but he slowly lifted the lid of the tiny box, silver eyes going wide as he observed the chrome cross pendant inside.

"Kanda."

"What?"

"This is a cross."

"Yeah."

"It's jewelry."

"I know that."

"You're giving me jewelry?"

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"Fucking hell you piss me off!"

"What the hell did I do?"

"Forget it."

"Wait I don't understand!" Allen called when Kanda turned to go. He followed after a moment's pause, his body's reaction lagging a second behind his brain's commands, catching hold of Kanda's arm.

"What the hell don't you understand? It's for you."

"Yeah I get that part but what do you expect me to do with it?"

Cobalt eyes narrowed in annoyance backing Allen against the wall and snatching the box from the younger boy.

"What are you-"

Kanda unclasped the chain, hands going around Allen's neck in a fluid movement he hadn't been aware he was capable of doing in such a situation, Allen's body extremely close to his person such that he could feel the warmth of his skin without touching.

'Kanda's hands are really cold,' Allen thought as fingers brushed against the nape of his neck making him shudder. In a moment the hands were gone, silver eyes caught the faint blush coloring the man's cheeks for a moment in mild shock as he looked down to where the accessory now hung around his neck. The chrome silver sheen making it appear darker than it really was.

"Kanda?"

"What is it now?"

"Thank you," Allen said fingering the cross with interest and mild awe before returning his gaze to Kanda, a smile on his face.

"Che, you couldn't have just thanked me earlier and saved me the trouble of-"

Cobalt eyes widened as Allen caught him around the waist in a hug.

"I missed you," Allen mumbled with some difficulty at honestly expressing the feeling that must've been gnawing at him.

"Un," Kanda grunted in acknowledgment.

Releasing Kanda, Allen leaned back against the wall, idly fiddling with the cross, a small smile making its way to his face as he imagined what kind of expression Kanda might have had purchasing such an item. Kanda watched in fond fascination, the expressions rolling over Allen's face. Allen's brows furrowed as his finger brushed a rough patch on the back of it and turned it around, inspecting the two characters engraved vertically through the cross section of the beams.

"Kanda."

"Hmm?"

"What do the characters on the back of the cross mean?"

"Solace," Kanda said calmly meeting Allen's curious gaze. "Because I can't always be there."

Allen's eyes widened tearfully, his chest feeling full. The meaning of the gift was far more than he'd anticipated.

xXx

Sitting in a small inn room, Allen reached under his collar, pulling out the chain, the chrome cross dangling from it and reflecting the sparse light flickering from a candle on the table.

The room felt particularly cold and lonely, but the metal, warmed on his skin, was not.

Closing his eyes and clenching a hand around the cross. Allen could almost hear Kanda's voice the evening, now almost three weeks in the past.

 _"Solace… because I can't always be there."_

Allen didn't know that comfort could be found in a mere memory. And he had no idea how Kanda could be so warm and kind, chasing away the ache in his chilled skin, when he was hundreds of miles away.

xXx

"Hey Kanda, feel like taking advantage of me again?"

The navy brows rose in amusement as a smirk painted Kanda's features.

"Only you would say something so stupid and be completely serious about it."

Even saying so, with the easy grin that belied some found understanding playing about Allen's lips, they both knew Kanda's answer would never be _no_.

 _End_

* * *

A/N: Hi there everyone! Been awhile, hasn't it? I updated my profile so you can find out a bit about what I'm up to now and where you can find me.

Now about this piece… some of it might not make sense, because this was the intended follow up story to the one I had written for Valentine's Day many many _many_ moons ago that got eaten by my computer. If you don't know what I'm talking about, I believe I wrote a post about it on my LiveJournal, it's still there though that site has been inactive for as long as my fanfiction has been. Anyway, a big part of the reason I slowed my fiction output and eventually stopped posting altogether was because of this lost fiction. It hit me really hard, losing it like that, and I was stubbornly trying to recall word for word several thousand words of text… as if that was even a feasible plan. So that piece has been haunting me ever since and though I've somehow managed to rewrite a good deal of what was lost it doesn't feel right, so I can't bring myself to finish it. I have still been writing and had posted a couple fics after this incident, but the anxiety kind of killed my creative process – so I have hundreds of things started, but am fundamentally fearful of completing them, because just when I get it just right, it could all just get eaten up and disappear into nothingness.

That being said, I wrote this follow up without finishing the original as a means for some sense of closure, no matter how false it may be. I know it's kind of unprecedented to put up a part two to something that doesn't have a part one, but even though it's just a fragment of the story I'd intended, I hope that you felt it was worth the time you spent reading it.

Thanks as always for your time, all comments are very much welcomed :)


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